Emotional post!

20.06pm/Saturday

It is not a right time to let my tears going down. As I have the kind of so banyak tanya  roommate, she will asking for sure

“what happened”

“why you crying”

“are you that stress??”

“just two more paper, sabarla”   

I am crying over the big things.Yeah I am in stress because of the final examination but having family matters at the same time make me so down. Every time terlintas dalam kepala about them, ( my family ) my eyes become watery. That is why suddenly I become mengantuk and end up with goint to the bed. Actually that is not because of sleepy head .I just want to calm myself and let the tears coming down without anyone notice!   I am not a crying baby in front of people!

The point of the story is, actually I just feel like mom doesn’t love me. Yeah!! Maybe I am too emotional. Sometime I feel like I need some space, going somewhere where mom and family members can’t find me. But I can’t do that. Because I still need financial support to finish up my studies. I am still a small girl that cannot survive alone in the dunia luar yang kejam ini.

So I’ll  try to be good!

To be a good daughter in family, Thats why I learned how to cook! (from google or sometime youtube). Actually, me and my sisters are not good in kitchen. We are malas belajar masak and not comfortable with kitchen tools. Mom said, a women have to cook and doing well with house chores so life will full with blessing and kasih sayang seorang suami berpanjangan and mertua also sayang.

OF COURSE I learned to cook and challenge myself to be good with doing house chores. NOT for my future husband. No dear!  it is because I want to impress my parents.

ONLY TO IMPRESS MY FAMILY! IMPRESS MOM!

So mom will love me more! Greedy for love is must!!

It’s hard for me at first as I am not used to be a kitchen person. I even can’t differentiate halia and lengkuas. Also I depend on clock while frying fish or chicken or even nugget. If not they will turns to something black!

But more practices turn me into a girl that can masak sup ayam, tomyam, sup tulang, sayur campur goreng kangkung belacan. And at the same time I learned on how to make chocolate moist cake, pudding roti, caramel! Other than masak, I challenge myself to be a rajin girl too. Doing house chores, sapu sampah pagi pagi, buang sampah, doing laundary. Every day and doing alone.

Not for being riak to mention but my siblings never doing that!

One day I feel malas and letih so I ask my sisters to help me doing some cleaning.

They said, “hang buat la semua kerja sebab hang kan rajin”.

 No I am not rajin actually. Tell me who one yang suka rajin dan langsung tak rasa malas.

I am doing all to impress mom!

BUT mom didn’t see it. She still looks me as a bad daughter. I am not perfect enough to be a good person but at least try to appreciate me. I like dad more than mom.

Sorry mom.

But as you are the only one who give birth to me, raised me, take care of me from I was a baby until now, I WILL TRY CHANGE MY HEART to LOVE you more.

 But now I love abah. Love abah! love abah! love abah more!

I know it is wrong . Sami Yusuf in the lyrics mention

Who should I give my love to, my respect and my honor to?

Who should I pay good mind to after ALLAH and Rasulullah?

Comes you mother.

Who next? your mother

who next? your mother

And then your father

Then what should I do? I can’t lie with my internal feeling.